Loss of Temper

Many times you will hear victims of domestic violence say “he/she wouldn’t really hurt me, doesn’t want to harm me, they just lost their temper.” What they mean is they lost control of their temper. And that loss of control can lead to unintended consequences.


It started with a wife looking for her husband. And she found him. Allegedly she found him with his brother. At a party and with another woman. And that of course led to an argument. The dispute allegedly spilled out into the neighborhood street.

But the wife called her cousin and asked to be picked up, to be removed from the situation. When the cousin arrived, she got in the vehicle and attempted to leave. Allegedly the husband and his brother also got into their vehicle. And they allegedly chased the vehicle the wife was in. Allegedly they also used their vehicle to ram the vehicle the wife and her cousin were in. Then allegedly the husband got out of the vehicle he was in and jumped on top of the vehicle his wife and her cousin were in and began beating on the windows. The cousin who was driving attempted to drive off.  

The husband reportedly fell off of the vehicle and hit the roadway. And the vehicle may have driven over him, though that doesn’t seem clear. The husband was pronounced dead.

The cousin drove about a mile away from the scene then abandoned his vehicle, fleeing on foot. He turned himself into police a few hours later. He was arrested on suspicion of a hit and run accident. Police have stated that had he remained at the scene, he most likely would not have been arrested as he was apparently a victim. The cousin reportedly told police that he left the scene because he was in this country illegally and feared being deported.

I have not seen whether police have confirmed about the brother and the husband using their vehicle to ram the vehicle his wife was riding in, or who was driving or whether there are any charges there.

eastvalleytribune.com   azcentral.com   kpho.com   azfamily.com

Most of the domestic violence deaths I have seen did not appear to be planned. They appear as though someone loses their “temper”, also called loss of control. And where there is a loss of control, they may not mean to harm- but that doesn’t mean they won’t. A loss of control that includes violence means they may be unwilling or unable to stop before someone is harmed.

Once the loss of temper includes violence, the violence will usually happen again and again. And the nature of violence and loss of control is that it escalates. Every loss of control incident contains a risk of danger to the victim, because a loss of control is just that- they have lost control and may not be able to stop.

Once violence begins a couple cannot change that alone. They will need assistance. Many experts recommend counseling- sometimes for the abuser and sometimes for both partners. Many others recommend anger management. But no counseling or anger management will help unless the abuser is willing to admit the problem, be willing and committed to change- for the long term. In many cases, it is best just to leave. If/when they work out their violence problems, then it can be reevaluated.

I take no pleasure in this young man’s senseless death. The wife was attempting to flee and had the right to do so. But there is no pleasure in the loss of a life.



  1. Trey said,

    July 18, 2008 at 12:47 am

    “But no counseling or anger management will help unless the abuser is willing to admit the problem, be willing and committed to change- for the long term. In many cases, it is best just to leave. If/when they work out their violence problems, then it can be reevaluated.’

    Spot on. Abusers go through a cycle, and they promise the moon when trying to reconcile. They are sweet when trying to reconcile. They lie and will say anything they think you want to hear.

    I can see someone staying through one incident, but two is a pattern and it is time to leave.


  2. Joy's Friends said,

    July 22, 2008 at 6:19 am

    We are a group of friends that know and worked with a young woman named Joy Loftin while she was employed at the Vanderbilt YMCA here in New York City. During the length of her employment, several extremely disturbing incidents occurred that cause us to be concerned and call into question the motives and the integrity of Shan Colorado Finnerty, Hortensia Colorado, and Elvira Colorado.

    On several occasions, Joy came to work with visible bruises on her neck and arms. She eventually explained to us that Shan had punched, beaten, and choked her and she asked us for help. As wardens for the community, we tried to place Joy in women’s shelters around the city in an effort to mitigate the abuse. However, at the urging of Shan’s mother and aunt, Hortensia and Elvira, she returned to their apartment and refused to press criminal charges against Shan Colorado Finnerty. The abuse continued and one day, she came to work very early, visibly distressed and crying, with more bruises and abrasions. She said that Shan had verbally abused and beaten her once again; that she wanted to return to California, and that she was going to quit her job and reunite with her family. She tendered her resignation later that week. Out of concern for her safety and in an effort to find out what happened to her, we requested an officer from the domestic violence unit of the 5th Precinct conduct a welfare check at their home on Kenmare Street. However the officer was unable to find anyone at the apartment, and therefore could not verify that Joy was safe. We realize that she is suffering from battered women’s syndrome and may be unable to help herself due to the isolationist environment that the Colorados have formed around her. Abusive men are often enabled by their family, while the victim is persuaded to believe the abuse is her fault, and the pattern of emotional and physical trauma continues. Taking into consideration what has happened to Joy Loftin, it is especially deceitful that their display “Altar: El Llanto De La Resistancia” at the American Indian Community House was in part dedicated to victims of domestic violence.

    In light of these events, we are dismayed, disappointed, and outraged to know that members of the American Indian Community would commit, condone, and perpetuate domestic abuse and violence, while simultaneously conducting workshops, writing and performing plays, and displaying works and art that would have the public and those who support them believe otherwise. It is a vulgar and offensive misrepresentation of American Indian Culture, and further support of Coatlicue Theater, Hortensia Colorado, Elvira Colorado, Shan Colorado Finnerty and their work is tantamount to supporting domestic abuse and violence. Considering their duplicitous behavior, having them represent American Indian Culture is an insult to the dignity of American Indians and an affront to human beings.

    We therefore will not attend nor support any Coatlicue Theater productions or events where they will be featured. We will be encouraging others that might consider attending, participating, or funding them to do the same. Our actions are warranted, and to be associated with the aforementioned individuals and Coatlicue Theater would be equivalent to enabling and contributing to such offensive behaviour. We are urging everyone to reevaluate their support of Coatlicue Theatre and the Colorados, and question the individuals concerned. Until the responsible individuals are held accountable and measures are taken to verify that the abuse is no longer occurring, we will continue with our boycott of Coatlicue Theatre and we will strongly urge others to do the same.

  3. Sprocket said,

    August 31, 2008 at 6:36 am

    Hello HSH, Sprocket here. Have you heard of Dr. Lonnie Athens, Ph.D.? He is a maverick criminalist who has a ground-breaking theory about violent criminals, and what makes people violent.

    Richard Rhodes wrote a book about Dr. Athens’s life work. It’s called, “Why They Kill.” I highly recommend it. After reading this book I no longer believe in the “just snapped,” or “just lost their temper” theories as to why someone becomes violent. I believe, like Dr. Athens does, that all violence happens because the individual who resorted to utilize violence has at one point in their life, has contemplated a violent response and has accepted that scenario as an acceptable behavioral response.

    Hope you pick up blogging again, soon!

  4. Tony Gregory said,

    June 28, 2009 at 9:39 am

    No Domestic violence is preplanned.I feel it starts small and gets bigger and bigger until out of control.From there it really is murder as the abuse just escalates from words to actions and when it gets to actions it is known that a death is on the cards,so thats murder.I look at it a bit like a drunk driver,where they get away with it time and time again ,however death will come at some stage.

  5. I want to Know said,

    February 10, 2010 at 6:33 am

    My comment is to This Trey Guy why are you on everyones blogs making statements you know nothing about. People are in pain out here in the real world and you are using as entertainment

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