Passing it on

I own the T-shirt. Or the participation ribbon or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t buy it, and I didn’t want it. But I have it. I was in an abusive relationship.

I made all the mistakes. He didn’t really mean it, he wouldn’t hurt me, I must have done something that made him do it, he must be ill and needs my help. Sound familiar?

After a while you just go along to get along. You are numb, doing things by rote, unbelieving of what has become of your life.

Finally one incident scared me badly enough, convinced me that yes he would hurt me, and I filed the charges. He got probation. Then I let him come back.

I finally got out. I still deal with the problems and have the mental scars. Still have the nightmares, sometimes I still am afraid. I own the T-shirt, but life goes on. I have learned a lot since then. Since being this blog, I sometimes shudder as I recognize how dangerous my situation was.

One thing I didn’t used to know was the effect on the children. Because they grow up in uncertainty, in an unstable, stressful home it does have an affect on children.

 Boys many times model themselves on the males in their life. Boys from a home where there is domestic violence may feel powerless and unable to protect their mother. They may develop low self esteem. They may react to that by also becoming agressive and controlling with the women in their lives.

Girls often grow up and search out men like the male models in their lives. They too may feel powerless. They too may develop low self esteem. They may not feel safe at times. They may look for strength in a male relationship (think controlling.) They may be more susceptible to an abusive relationship.

I got her call this morning. My daughter now owns the T-shirt. She wasn’t harmed, but there was an ‘incident’. She is safe for right now. She is doing well right now. The thought keeps running through my mind, she learned it in my home.

The next few weeks will be shaky. I need your prayers or good thoughts or whatever you have, that we get her through this safely. This post probably won’t stay up long and for her safety I won’t be updating. Unless gets worse. Then I may have a big mouth.

If you are in an abusive relationship right now…. learn from my mistakes.



  1. andrea said,

    March 17, 2007 at 3:30 am

    You have my thoughts and prayers. It is a great support for me to read here and know that I am not alone going through this. You aren’t alone either.

  2. March 17, 2007 at 4:47 am

    Andrea, thank you so much for your support. My head knows that- but my heart is having a little difficulty right now.

  3. Desiree said,

    March 17, 2007 at 4:49 pm

    Here’s the deal, you were smart enough to get out and that’s what your daughter ultimately saw. And while she may have indeed followed in your initial footsteps of being in an abusive relationship, she also followed your footsteps in getting out. Sometimes we do have to learn the hard way, just like when you find out baking chocolate really isn’t like Hershey’s no matter how many times your Mother told you it wasn’t. But after that initial taste, you remember what she told you and that she was right…and you don’t try to eat it again.

  4. D.P. said,

    March 17, 2007 at 7:42 pm

    I’m sorry to hear of the trouble , Sweet home. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts. Don’t spend too much time or energy dwelling on the past. True, the past may have set this up…but in the now, you are stronger, wiser. You are in the perfect position to provide for your daughter the strength and support she will need to make some very important decisions. You have experience and hindsight on your side, not to mention the ferocity of a mother’s love. I’m sorry for your pain, but I have confidence in your power. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. You know how to reach me. God Bless.

  5. Soobs said,

    March 17, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    Prayers to you and your daughter, Home. You ALSO (and more importantly) taught your daughter to leave. To find the strength. And she called. That’s a huge step. God Bless, and Godspeed.

  6. March 17, 2007 at 11:18 pm

    Thank all of you for your support. Both the ones who have posted here and the ones who have emailed me. It really does mean a lot to me to have the support. Knowing what I now know about DV, helps in some ways. But in some ways makes it even scarier. I know I cannot do it for her, I can only hope that she listens to advice. But she is a careful person and she does have a lot of common sense, so I guess I just have to trust her to use it.

  7. b said,

    March 18, 2007 at 9:25 pm

    just wanted to say there are people reading and praying for you and your daughter.

  8. KatK said,

    March 19, 2007 at 4:30 am

    Sending thoughts and prayers, and hopes for an even quicker “hinky meter” alarm in the future.

  9. Vidalia11 said,

    March 19, 2007 at 5:13 pm

    My best wishes to you and your daughter.

  10. Peach said,

    March 20, 2007 at 3:17 pm

    It’s so easy to say that we all learn from our mistakes and those of others, yet the “love” makes it so much more difficult to make the break. It’s going to be tough for her with any decision she makes at this time. Be supportive of her, regardless of any decision. Open communication is the key right now. Right, wrong, or otherwise.

  11. Becky J said,

    March 22, 2007 at 9:36 am

    My prayers and thoughts are with you both, all you can do right now is keep talking, telling her your there for her, youll do whatever she needs you to do, as Peach said, keep the lines of communication open she will know your there for her even if she makes the wrong decision, she knows she can come back.

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