Remember the “honeymoon cycle of abuse?”

Earlier this year Tonya Goble, 24, and her children, a 3-year-old and an infant, had left her husband Gary Studer, 31, due to the violent relationship. She moved in with her mother and stepfather.

But not long ago she and her children moved back in with Studer. On April 28, Goble’s mother Vicki Dewey, 52, came to the home and found the couple drinking. She persuaded Gary Studer to go to the store with her.

While he was gone, Tonya ran to the school across the street and used the phone to call 911. She requested a police escort to accompany her back to the home to retrieve her and her children’s belongings. Here is what was said in the call:

“He told me this morning that he would kill me if I ever tried to leave,” “He’s got guns in the house, and I am scared.”

The dispatcher told her that no officer would be sent unless there was an “immediate threat.”

“Ma’am, the officer cannot stand there and just wait just in case your husband comes back,” was the dispatcher’s reply.

So no officers were sent to the school or the home. Tonya called a friend who picked up her and the children.

Later that day, Gary Studer was seen leaving the Dewey home (mother’s home). Witnesses say he was covered in blood and he had the children.

Police found the bodies of Tonya and her mother Vicki in the Dewey home. Studer has been charged with two counts of 1 st degree premeditated murder.

The director of the 911 center has responded to questions about their lack of action. It seems that in 2005 a memo was sent to the dispatchers telling them not to send officers when abuse victims requested escorts to retrieve belongings from their homes. That policy was changed on Fri. They are now saying officers will respond to all requests for help.

The article didn’t say who wrote the memos. And I guess we will never know if police had responded, if anything would have been different. But certainly had they responded, they could have checked for signs of abuse on Tonya and the children. They could have checked for a reason to make an arrest, they could have put Studer on notice that there was police involvement and reminded him of the possible repercussions if there were more problems. They could have advised the couple to remain apart until they had cooled off. They could have talked to Tonya about a shelter and how to contact the local domestic violence agency. They could have advised her on how to get a “restraining order”.

Yes, it might have happened anyway. Or maybe Tonya might have decided to go to a shelter. We will never know.

I think a lot of this is due to the “honeymoon cycle of abuse”. Police do get tired of that cycle. They go to the same houses, for the same couples, and the same problems. And still the couples often get back together- sometimes before the bruises even fade. But here is what happens when they don’t respond.

This time it was overt. They got the call and didn’t respond. Many times it is not so open. They show up, they see signs of a struggle or wiolence, they say do you want to press charges, and the victim says no. They figure their job has ended, all that is left is to write up the report. For a description of the ‘Honeymoon Cycle of Abuse’ click here.


 A portion of Tonya Studer’s second phone call to 911 is in the article. A description of the takedown of Stuber after the shooting. allegedly he first told the officer to kill him, then told him “heat of passion, heat of passion.”


 Optymyst at Look Who’s Tattling Now has a transcription of the 911 call.


Jan. 8, 2007 Gary Studer was found guilty in the deaths of Tonya Studer and her mother Vickie Dewey. He was sentenced to several terms of life imprisonment.



  1. Peach said,

    May 9, 2006 at 11:49 am

    The “victim” in our state is not the one to decide to press charges. If there’s signs of abuse it is supposed to happen, with or without the cooperation of the victim. The charges are state charges and not civil charges. I can’t say that it always happens that way.

  2. May 9, 2006 at 12:04 pm

    It is supposed to be that way in my state too. But it isn’t that way in all states. I still keep seeing news articles where police have been there earlier in the day, and the victim declined to press charges. And sometimes I wonder with some officers (not all), just how attentive they are to “signs of abuse”.

  3. Soobs said,

    May 9, 2006 at 3:41 pm

    I thought, in this day, with the domestic violence laws, that it was never up to the victim, and always a police responsibility. I am stunned that this isn’t so, and very concerned that there are 911 officers out there, who won’t “send someone to” help the victim leave, or even check on a situation! This has to stop. Immediately. Unreal.

  4. May 9, 2006 at 4:00 pm

    Well, it took two lives to do it, but evidently this community has changed it's policy. Unfortunately, there are a lot of other communities out there, whose policies haven't changed.

  5. May 14, 2006 at 10:12 am

    Hello. Tonya was my sister. Her husbands name is Gary Studer (not Goble)Please go to and type in Tonya Studer under SEARCH WSBT.COM. Listen to the 1st 911 audio call made by Tonya on April 28th. The 911 operator was rude, interupting and not caring.
    Yes, the had domestic disputes and had placed 911 calls recently. BUT, that call Tonya made to 911 in Laporte when she made her escape across the street to the school. Tonya NEVER stated her name or address that she fled from. Tonya gave the 911 operator the school’s address only. That alone should have been a red flag to dispatch an officer. School, children, windows, just escaped, husband threating to kill her, he’s coming back………????????
    That 911 operator DID NOT know who she was talking too, so she would not have known about any previous abuse or 911 calls. The 911 operator chose to be rude, uncaring and determined that she was not going to dispatch an officer.
    She will have to live with the guilt for the rest of her life knowing she could have done something to prevent the double murders.
    The 911 audio version of that first call should be released nation wide in hopes that laws and police “policies” can change. Sadly, 4 days after the murders the police change there policy.The public outraged will be so great.
    Gary killed them in front of there 3 month old & 3 year old boys. Sadly, Keenan (3 year old) remembers. He has said “mommy dead, daddy kill mommy”.
    Then after you listen to the first 911 audio call from Laporte, listen to her last 911 audio call in Barien Co., MI.
    I have so much sorrow in my heart knowing that this is how I heard my sister’s voice last…………
    My deepest sympathy for my beloved sister,
    Carrie Adkins

  6. May 14, 2006 at 3:36 pm

    Carrie, thank you for the correction and I apolige for the error. As a member of society, I apolige for what happened to your sister and mother. I once had a brother and lost him at a young age due to an accident, and I have also lost my father, so I understand a little of what you are going through. It shouldn’t have happened.
    I don’t have speakers and so can’t listen to the full 911 calls, but the little bit I read about gave me a pretty good idea. The dispatcher was rude. And considering that everyone who calls 911 is supposedly in a crisis situation, she was very unhelpful.
    I am glad the agency changed their policy, but I understand that it is too late for your sister and your mother.
    One thing you might do is to make a copy of that 911 call, and when you are able, offer it along with your mother and sister’s story to some domestic violence agencies to see if they can find a use for it.
    Are the kids ok?
    My sympathies to you and your family. These deaths should not have happened, and you have a hard path to walk for a little while. My hope is that you will find your way along it quickly.

  7. Becki Studer said,

    July 3, 2006 at 3:59 pm

    Carrie, I have hesitated to write to this site for a while, but I finally decided to do it because I have no other way to say this to your family. I hugged Tonya the day before this happened. I told her that I love her, and I do. I miss her very much. There were a lot of problems in the Studer family, which I will not go into with anyone at this time. I ached for them both for a long time. I saw things that I could not just make them stop doing even though she confided in me often. We had a lot in common. She had asked my husband and I to intervene quite frequently. We both loved them very much, and we did what we could for them both. When Tonya left Gary one time, I picked her and Keenon up and they stayed at our place for a night before I took her to Vicki’s house in Michigan. Buster was angry at his father and I over that for a long time, but I knew that he was mean to her. She kept going back and trying to make it work because she loved him. I had conversations with her about leaving him. She told me numerous times that she would never leave him.
    I was gone from their life for about 4 months before this happened. I went into that house, and I don’t know what was going on there while I was absent, but it was not good. They were both obviously suffering from something no one could have intervened in satisfactorily. I tried every way I could think of, even things that upset people, trying to get some help in that house, but the system here didn’t listen to me either.
    Thirteen years ago, my brother’s wife shot and killed him in front of our other brother, my mother and his own two children. I knew that they had a violent relationship, but I was told to stay out of his business by him and others. When she killed him, I felt so guilty; like there was something I could have done. She never did a day in jail, and that made it even worse because we all knew that it was premeditated-five depositions were given by witness to that. I could do nothing as all of that transpired from beginning to end. That is why I tried to help with Tonya and Buster. I thought if I could do something to help that it would prevent something as horrible as what I had gone through with my brother’s death. I did try to help them. I argued with both of them. I expressed love to both of them and their children. Was anyone else trying to help them get off of the substances they were abusing? I know that his family wasn’t real happy that I was back in the picture. They offered me no help. I am sad that there was no one to help me help them there in the end. My heart is so sick over losing so much when I tried to help save it all. Tonya was so full of life. She was so bubbly and hopeful about the future. I will miss her always, and I will miss my grandchildren very much. We had a lot of time with Keenon. I pray for all of you often. I know your loss. I have felt that pain. Your only consolation will be that there aren’t people in the system willing to keep him from getting away with what he has done; regardless of what led up to it. It was wrong. I don’t care who knows that I feel this way. I do love Tonya. We spent a lot of time together over the last few years since I married Buster’s father. I will miss the family I had in all of them.
    I have to tell you this. I study the Scriptures. I am working toward my doctrate. Tonya and I had many conversations about God. I think it was about November of last year when Tonya told me about a dream she had. She said there were two beautiful angels in her dream coming down from heaven to her. As they got closer, they had the faces of me and a friend of mine that Tonya liked. She said it made her fell peaceful. That friend is the person I was staying with when Tonya was taken by the angels. She was gifted and blessed in a lot of ways. Her death was untimely, and I believe that there are many things we have all been robbed of that she had to give. She is saved. I just know that we will be seeing her again one day. Please take comfort in that. It helps me knowing that God must love her much more than we all ever could.

  8. July 3, 2006 at 5:04 pm

    Thank you for your message Becki. In any abusive relationship, it leaves the family who know about it feeling helpless. And when they try to help, and are rebuffed, then something happens later, often there are guilt feelings. But my thoughts are that much of it comes down to the fact that Tonya was an adult, and until she herself was convinced of the danger she was in, no one would be able to stop her from going back. Unfortunately, that realization came too late. Not that Tonya was responsible for what happened, likely she never truly believed that it would happen.

  9. Becki Studer said,

    July 8, 2006 at 8:09 am

    I know that you are right, but I still feel as though they could have been helped if there would have been unity in the effort to help them. The animosity felt between Buster’s mother, sister and I was only part of the emptiness in family ties. I don’t feel guilt; I feel anger that we pay taxes for a system to protect and serve, but we aren’t receiving that for which we pay so dearly. The system should have figured out by now that these things only escalate; they never get better. I have said to another blog that I believe there should be a way to pull up a history on people for domestic violence police reports. If you get stopped, the officer can call in your plate number and is given everything known about you for a simple traffic stop. Why can’t they do something like that for repeat domestic violence?
    Carrie, I am trying to find ways to change laws, state and federal. I am patiently waiting to see what is going to happen during the trial and go from there. Home Sweet Home, if there is any way for you to get my email address to Carrie, please do so that she may contact me if she would like to discuss what I have in mind. I would love to have Tonya’s family to help us with this. The children deserve to know that the death of their mother and grandmother actually helped change things so that other children would not be subjected to what they have to deal with for the rest of their lives. It is difficult and hard work to get laws changed or implemented. We could use all the help we can get.
    God bless.

  10. July 8, 2006 at 5:33 pm

    Becky, if Carrie indicates that she would like your address, I would be more than happy to oblige.
    Do you mind if I make contact with you?

  11. Becki Studer said,

    July 10, 2006 at 9:00 pm

    I am willing to talk to anyone who will listen. You may contact me. Please feel free to email me. There is much more to this story than anyone even knows. I will not put anything in print right now, but there is a book being written about the ENTIRE story.

  12. Amanda said,

    October 30, 2006 at 8:34 pm

    I have read, re-read, and re-read all of the comments above. I feel as though my initial reason in writing to this is because I want those who do read this, or ever will, to know that there were Many people in both Gary and Tonyas life almost daily that were helping in one way or another. Granted, because there was help, doesn’t mean it was actually….helping! Now, when Becki states that she was the only one involved and no-one else was trying for the family, well, in lamens terms, is Ludacris. I trust that she knows the truths, and if she is convinced of some version of it, thats fine and well too. We could sit here and play the I did, you didn’t, he said, she said….well, where were you, well I did…blah blah blah game for ALL of time! Where will it get us, will it bring back Tonya, Vickie, the children that are now in limbo due to this? No. It will simply provide more animosity and hate towards people who have already hurt and lost SO much. I am Garys sister. I have hesitated for many, many months to place my comment here, but I have decided to speak up for nothing else but for myself! It doesn’t matter what the world knows anyhow, GOD knows ALL things, so in that I find peace. I was the one who informed Becki of the spiral Gary and Tonya were going on, she then made herself present. The only thing that needs to be focused on now, and ever, is the fact that our laws need to be affixed so that if the police are called, be that for domestic abuse, for threats, for any thing involving a “negative feeling” an arrest needs to be made. The caller, the alleged, the both of them! When children are involved, the police should DEMAND family members to step forward or threaten then to have them temporarily taken to said location until the parents (the arrested party) can get evaluated and treated and/or released. This should be mandentory throughout our United States. Believe you me I wish there had been a WHOLE LOT MORE I would have done. I knew of the drugs at all times and the children being there. I also knew that my Mother was frequently there “manning” as much of the situation she could, as well as taking Keenon (the infant was never allowed to go) away from it. I have young children that I would not allow to see, or become a part of that environment, so I wasn’t physically present unless a circumstance absolutley deemed me to be! I spoke to both Gary and Tonya daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I thought they both needed help, and they both knew this and agreed to it. But can you actually get an addict in help without an army of help and resourceful people? I am trying to finish here. Let me just end without submitting too much information, because it is not my place, nor my intention to do such. I would like to say to the world, how deeply sorry I am that this all went the way it did. I wish that there were flashing signs to make someone be able to intervene BEFORE such tragedy strikes. What I cannot figure out is why Becki will talk to anyone who will listen, and not to worry – it’s going to ALL, in ENTIRITY be written! Why? What does it do to someones soul to rip open peoples private lives, be that they were happy and succesful, or dark and torrid? I know enough for a book too, but you won’t see me trying to capitolize from this enormous loss two families try to deal with on a constant (forget daily) basis! As I have said in the beginning of this, God Knows ALL! We will all be faced with our judgements when he comes to gather his own. I pray that those who are guilty, ask for forgiveness, those who are nosy, may find other things to entertain them, those who are vengeful, try to direct your fears and frustrations on things productive of humanity.
    I am no angel, I am no more than a woman trying to create the very best for the family I have been blessed with. I cannot work miracles, but I certainly can pray they be worked! I know that for whatever reasons that we simply cannot understand right now, God already knew what he was doing, all along. I pray for the strength of Tonyas family members and friends, for those who loved her, loathed her, and didn’t even know her have been touched through this. I pray that there are people in the world that pray for Garys family and the losses we also have, Tonya was in fact a part of us as well. I pray that society can try to look at Gary as a human being who was involved in a situation that society only knows a PIECE of one side of him. What he did was simply not okay, but we are not the judge here, it is our God. Being a realist and thinking so redundantly over this situation, there are 2 types of murderers. Those who are sick and twisted and get off on committing them, and those who have been broken to such an extreme, you loose your realities for the moment to become capable of the crime! For those of you who may like to incinuate I am blaming this on insanity, please stop there. I am not blaming this on anything imparticular! I take that back – I AM blaming this on the lack of our system and the apparent “cry wolf” policy we are ran by! If, IF police officers, or their employees would just acknowledge each call, and then execute it as they see fit, this loss, and tens of thousands of other and future losses could have been prevented!

    God bless you all in your hearts and your souls. I wonder if what I have said is too much, I had wrote and deleted for about an hour. For whatever reason today was the day I was compelled to finally say something – it is obvioulsy meant to be! I hope I am heard for the ways I am hoping to be.

  13. beckistuder said,

    November 7, 2006 at 1:24 am

    I suppose I should have clarified what the book would be about. My bad. The book is going to be about my life experiences, which include what has happened to my husband’s children and the grandchildren. It is a shame that you have perceived it to be capitalizing on this tragedy.
    Thirteen years ago, my brother was killed under similar circumstances-crack cocaine, alcohol and domestic violence. He, too, was surrounded by many people who loved him. I didn’t say anything then, but I am going to chirp up now because I can see that by staying quiet and not sharing these experiences, I am contributing to the allowance of ignorance, which leads to more of it happening. Look at my life, 13 years later, I am a witness to something AGAIN. I do not have it in my personality to take advantage of a situation in a negative way. My purpose in writing about this is to help.
    Now, as far as the personal blows you dealt, you need to be honest with yourself, if not others. Honey, your mother shut your father out long ago in your minds and hearts. When Buster had his accident, your mother started to get paid as a caregiver for him by his insurance company and took charge. She wanted control but didn’t do what she should have done as his mother or his paid caregiver. She instead continued to just put money in his idle hands. Doesn’t take a genius to see what is wrong with that. I am sorry you have found out the hard way that it was so wrong to exclude your father. Because of that distance, proven by the lack of family pictures including your father in Buster’s home among other things, your father was rendered nearly helpless in helping to control such a volatile situation. Whether you want to admit it or not, Buster was traumatized by what happened with your father. Despite the gap created between he and your dad, Buster did rely on him for convenient support; more like a buddy than a father. I know your dad did all he could do to help because I have been with him for years and seen his attempts to get back what was stolen from him. Your father was railroaded, and that weighed on Buster heavily. He told me himself. This did not happen overnight. It is a lifelong process that leads to something of this magnitude. Buster was ready to listen to me there at the end. I was getting through to him because everyone else had become weary of his escapades. Talking on the phone and giving him money or food is not what he needed. I got in there and got my hands dirty. I fought with him and Tonya; I even reported her to the police trying to have her put in jail so she would be forced to get help. I pleaded with Buster, as I tried to help him understand step by step what he needed to do. He was responding, remember? We talked about it. He was doing well, and he wanted his family back. Tonya took advantage of that. All of that will come out during his trial. Should Tonya and Vicki be excused for their participation in all of this because they died? I think not. My dad used to say, “I would rather deal with a wild bear than someone hopped up on drugs and alcohol because you can predict what a wild bear is going to do.” Another old cliche fits here, ‘Hindsight is always 20/20.’ No, it will do no good to point fingers. We are all guilty of being ignorant to this demon, and it is because we don’t talk about it. I am out to change that from my perspective. Your family is only a part of what I know. I have had my own experiences with undisciplined chaos. If you look at the entire picture, you can find at least one wrong move with everyone from your mother to the police officials. The book is called, “When Deliverance Doesn’t Come…A Story About Witnessing” and that is exactly what it will be.

  14. Amanda said,

    November 15, 2006 at 1:59 am

    Becki, might I just say that I actually took heed to what I just read. I do want to thank you in a sense for not being on the defensive or offended by what I wrote – that was never the intention. This is not nor could it ever possibly be about us, and for that I am grateful. I have only heard what you shared with me in regards to your experience with your Brother and the unfortunate demise that came with his relationship and life, and I can imagine that this tragedy has resurfaced all that can possibly come back up for you with that. I do not think that this blog is the place for us to discuss personal issues, but to just say, you know me, what I allowed you to, and what you have perceived from your own intuitions, and I would hope that you can trust that my Mother has never, nor will she ever be able to make a decision for me with respect to the lack of the relationship I have with my Father. That is strictly my O.R.! I will always hold him close, and what is in tomorrow is for all of us to find out, and I am open and reseptive to whatever God has in store for all of us. In closing, I would like to say that I have learned, and continue to learn each moment with this horrific, terrible loss that faces me each and every day. I only WISH that it all could have been prevented. Becki, for the record, I would like to thank you for your reaching out to Gary during the time that you did, and I hope in your heart, you allow me to have somewhat a peace in my own, that I tried of course not all that I could, but tried to help the family become functional. God Bless you, and all of you who read this. May you find peace in the knowing that we are not alone, none of us, no matter what the circumstances are, no matter how grim…..we are NOT alone!!!!! Godspeed to everyone.

  15. T.R.S. said,

    November 24, 2006 at 6:25 am

    If I had one wish none of us would be here blogging!

    but for you to say that you tried to have tanya put in jail for any reasons is retarded! I know that I feel so much guilt every day that some times I feel like ending my inner struggle! I to have sat back and read everything people have had to say, afraid of peoples opinions I could not write. Still I have fear of people pointing fingers!! I know in my heart now that I did do the right thing. I believe that everyone that was close to gary did try to help his family.
    But you cannot change a person that wont change. I tried, while no one else was there to help me I was trying to defuse gary! Each person can have thier oppinion about me or tanya but I am the only person who lived in thier home at times, enough to really know the real truths about it! I loved gary and his family but I drew the line when I saw the shit that I saw at his house. And yes the System failed all of us! In this case everybody loses.
    I cant put into words how I feel and I know that many feel as I do, I hope that you all have a better support group than I do to help you through this tragedy!

  16. chandra said,

    November 24, 2006 at 6:49 am

    you people…. garys family… will have to live with this forever..none of us are saints..WHO GAVE HIM THE GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!on live television karen said he has the mind of a twelve year old……..but who gives a twelve year old “mind” a gun??????????????and another point……….if he was insane why would he only have chosen only his wife and mother-n-law and not the children?…….that is premeditaded?????????????and he just so hapened to leave himself out of the gun shot ……is that premeditaded??????????

  17. Becki Studer said,

    November 24, 2006 at 10:14 pm

    You two are young. You were involved with the activity going on in that house. I wasn’t even around for 4 months, and when I walked back into that house it was disgusting. If you were there, why did you not do anything? I know why, because you were participating in the activities so much that you weren’t able to see what was happening! I cleaned that kitchen just a few days after Tonya had left. I found little balls of crack behind the handles on the stove doors. The refrigerator was not cleaned for months. I cleaned that kitchen alone for 2 days until my hands were raw from cleaners! No, Chandra, you were there and participating. You will have to live with that.
    As far as Buster’s actions, Tonya and his mother were paid caregivers to help him make proper decisions. Neither one of them did that. There were reasons I could not stomach being there anymore. I could see that it was getting way out of control, and I won’t have it in my life! When I was asked to come back, Tonya had left. I went in to help Buster get straightened out. When I tried to talk to Tonya, trying to reason with her, I was accused of sleeping with Buster. I could not help her drug addictions if I could not get through to her. I wanted her arrested to get her help. I will tell you what is retarted T.R.S, for you as an addict to think that you were more observant than a straight person. You need to find a good support group or church who will help you get clean because you are going to have a hard enough time dealing with this reality straight; it will be impossible stoned. The only mistake I made was not confronting Tonya when she claimed that she wanted to come home. Buster was off the drugs til then. I made sure of that. She brought more substances to distort his damaged mind so she could have her way. Manipulation was her way. If I had known just how far she would go, they would probably still be alive, but she had me fooled, bringing her clothes in and hanging them in the closet and telling me how she loved Buster, having intimate relations with him to coerce him into believing that she wanted to come back, which is what he wanted once he was straight!
    Look, I loved her, too. Things should have been handled legally instead of with tactics to outdo the other to get your way. I had Buster convinced to handle things in the courts. I am sorry that Tonya took advantage of that thinking that she could get her way by shortcuts some more. That is what a cloudy-minded mother will teach you. That is the truth, and I don’t care who hears me say that. You kids need to get help before you all end up the same way. Drugs and alcohol kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you learn that lesson in this? Will you enjoy being high anymore? I pray that you have been scared straight. Chandra, you have a beautiful baby, and Tom, you are a father. There are more pressing issues than going over to a buddy’s house to cop a buzz. I saw what I saw. I know what I know, so cry out that it is everyone else’s fault right now, but when your children grow up and have friends who get them involved and keep them involved in the wrong things, you will know just how wrong you were.

  18. Becki Studer said,

    November 25, 2006 at 9:33 pm

    There are a few more things I would like to say to try to help Chandra and Tom understand something about what has happened. First of all, to answer Chandra’s questions about premeditation, it is a simple deduction to figure out why he did not hurt the children. They weren’t the ones hurting him, trying to take away his world, manipulating in belligerent ways to satisfy their own carnal desires, disgracing his expectations of them as people he looked to for direction. They poked at him as if he were an animal behind a fence. I saw it many times in the last few weeks. Buster did not act; he reacted with the mind of a 12 year old. He instinctively tried to defend his domain. Science has proven that animalistic characteristics have not evolved out of man. It is a learned trait to be a civilized human being.
    About the gun in his possession, no, he should not have had a gun. The police didn’t take it away from him. It is my understanding that his mother had thought she got them all out of the house; don’t know how true that is. He always had a gun. He didn’t go using it on others until he was provoked. I saw him get in many altercations without retaliating to that extreme. Again, I must reiterate that this was an ongoing fight that escalated to this climax. We all say that we love them and tried to help, and I don’t doubt that, but to think that we could have done more is where we are left to learn from our mistakes, and theirs for that matter. I had a college professor who asked me why I got so upset when I would get less than a perfect score on a test. He explained to me that is how we learn as human beings. Mistakes teach us. For example, if you put your hand over an open flame and get burned, your nerves let you know that is not a smart thing to do. Now, if you are not in your right mind, you will continue to make the more complicated mistakes until you finally learn a way around them, like doing it the right way.
    Tanya married Buster for better or for worse and vice versa. The distortion that came from substance abuse was numbing to the affects of what slowly came to be. They went through that together. There was bound to be a final round with one of them falling. When my brother was killed, people who knew what had happened said that it would have been one or the other that night. If it had been Buster who died, would you feel the same way about Tanya? She was as violent as he was. She stabbed him before he went out to get his gun. What if she would have pierced his heart or temple and killed him? Would you feel the same way about her? That is something you need to think about because that was a very real possibility.
    I am saying this to help. The truth isn’t usually what people want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. Be honest with yourselves in your assessment of the situation. It will help you to accept what has happened in our lives by losing them. You are going on your own wisdom trying to deal with this.

    Called out of the darkness into the Light
    To learn the difference between wrong and right

    Called out of the darkness into the Light
    To see that we are precious in His sight

    Called out of the darkness into the Light
    To be children of day not of night

    You are being called through the loss of her
    How are you going to answer

    Death is a healing believe it or not. We are grieving. What was going on has died, but through it all, there will be healing. I know you probably can’t see that right now. You will spend many moments for the rest of your lives reflecting on this and similar situations, as you will find that you are more sensitive to issues relating to this particular experience. I have gone through this for years, and I can tell you from experience that this will motivate you or break you, your choice to make. Find strength in your spirit to become a better person because of this experience. It is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you handle it.

  19. Becki Studer said,

    November 26, 2006 at 7:27 pm

    I have one more post, and then I will be done unless someone responds to these writings. Discussion is a wonderful thing. It helps us to sort things out. There is another thread of conversation at the following site, which I think will be helpful:

  20. chandra said,

    November 27, 2006 at 5:18 am

    i tried to get her out many here for tonya an was there not as much as u.the crack story is in your head cause sorry sweetie im not like u or ur husband or son.i went to tonyas home for friendship to c them both go to the store mayb have a beer.i knew what was going on in that house that is why i stayed away i wasnt putting my family around that shit sorry dont do it an never will .GARY was a control freak if it wasnt his way oit was no way come on he even went off on u a dont give me ur bullcrap on me U DONT KNOW ME!!c i work have a job an raise my child have the fatter things in life.i had a job for tonya but no gary didnt want her to work so dont sit there an tell me i wasnt helping her she was buying my car before he blew her head off moving matter WHAT SHE DID SHE DID NOT NOR HER MOM DESERVE THIS.

  21. chandra said,

    November 27, 2006 at 6:05 am

    The point that needs to be made is yess intervention maybe, well not in most cases. The point is not to kill out of jealousy! or confusion !or to feel you have no control anymore! (which gary always thought he had the upper hand but tonya was to strong for that!) I dont care what kind of mental condition a person may have everybody has a concious wether ur on drugs or not! gary did it out of pure satisfaction of his own desire not thinking! now the kids have no mother or no grandmother his actions were so selfish he did not think of how his kids life will be in the future! can u imagine how it would feel for ur child knowing that you took there mothers life away! no u cant! guarantee he now will not be a father but another blue eyed blonde whore in the penitatry system!!!

  22. chandra said,

    November 27, 2006 at 6:34 am

    becky this is marc we are here to make a point and to try and stop this from happening to other famolies so stop your unruly judgement on everybody else and let it the families greive and worry about ur own problems and quite taking (edited per HSH)!!!

  23. Becki Studer said,

    November 27, 2006 at 6:29 pm

    I know that the truth hurts, but it is the only way to sort things out the right way. I am sorry if it is too much for you to accept that Tanya had fault in this also. That is the truth. It takes two. Oh, and we are supposed to judge rightly. By the way, I don’t do that either, so we have something in common. I think others can see by my education level that I am not that stupid.

  24. November 27, 2006 at 10:21 pm

    I have been watching this thread with some interest. Sometimes by allowing it to continue, some resolution or at least understanding can be achieved. That is apparently not happening here. As an outsider, let me tell you what I am seeing.
    Professions of friendship and sorrow for the loss of Tonya. But also blaming her for the events. Hints at previous abuse. Blaming others for what happened. And most interesting of all, blaming the victim for her own death and the death of her mother.
    No mention of the fact that she had left the home and had gone to a place she considered safe. No mention of the fact that that is where Gary Studer followed her to. No mention of the fact that he not only attempted to continue the argument, he escalated it. No mention of the fact that he is accused of not only shooting Tonya, he also shot her mother. I find that especially interesting, as Tonya had reportedly used her mother’s assistance to remove herself from the argument and I suspect that is why her mother was killed. All I am seeing is that it is everyone’s fault but Gary Studer’s that he pulled the trigger.
    There are allegations that Tonya was doing drugs. That is not unusual if one part of a couple are doing drugs, that both part are doing the drugs. Especially if there was abuse also in the home. Abuse often results in depression of the abused, and a search for some way out.
    Tonya reportedly left the home at least once and went back. That isn’t unusual, women will often leave up to 10 times before they leave for good. That is part of the syndrome. There is an accusation that Tonya once used a knife on Studer? I would have to ask, what was happening at that time that she resorted to a knife?
    Victims are not perfect people. They might do drugs or they might be manipulative (and I am not saying that Tonya was or did) or they might have a host of other faults. But despite their imperfections I would have to ask. Did Tonya deserve to be murdered? And did her mother?

  25. Becki Studer said,

    November 27, 2006 at 10:40 pm

    Of course they did not deserve to die! That is not what I am saying at all. I am simply pointing out that they contributed to the problem and helped it to escalate to that point. I understand that the truth is hard to hear, but I will not allow people to think that this was all Buster’s fault. People are forgetting that I knew him before he met Tanya. I watched their relationship from beginning to end. There are things that others don’t know, like Tanya moved Tom in and was doing things under Buster’s nose. The youngest baby, according to Buster and Tanya, wasn’t even his. You are proclaiming that her syndrome kept her from doing the right thing. Well, what about the brain damage keeping him from being able to make the right decisions, to which Tanya was being paid to help with his decision making, not to mention that she was his wife. Is moving your boyfriend into the house helping? Is having another man’s baby during their marriage helping? Is being just as abusive as he was helping?
    You make it sound like it was okay for her to have a syndrome, but it was not okay for him to have brain damage and a syndrome because of the abuse he suffered. No one deserved to die, and because they were all equally involved in what transpired, for you to say that Buster deserves to spend the rest of his life in prison is like saying that they deserved to die. They all were abusive. These truths have some upset. Imagine how Buster felt living them. Imagine the confusion that must have been in his mind as they kept manipulating the situation. If Tanya wanted to do all of those other things, she should have done them after she was out of the marriage. She definitely should not have moved the man into the home with Buster and the kids. Tanya was not trying to just leave him. She was trying to break him, and that is what she did with the help of her mother and her boyfriend. I can’t help the truth. No, no one deserves to die like that, but no one deserves to live like that either.

  26. November 27, 2006 at 11:01 pm

    And I would have to ask a question that has been asked so many times of abused women. If he felt it was so bad, then why did he stay? Even a person with brain damage is able to say I don’t like it here and I want to leave. According to your statements, you had talked with him about handling it legally, about staying away from her, and about staying away from drugs. So he knew he had other options. And he chose the option he wanted.
    And he ended it with the option he wanted.
    Were there events leading up to the murders? Yes, there usually are. Was there problems in the marriage or personal problems? Yes, there usually are. But who chose to end it with violence, knowing there were other options?

  27. Becki Studer said,

    November 27, 2006 at 11:10 pm

    Exactly my point, they were all doing the same thing. I do know how this feels. I lost my brother, but I have been honest about the fact that they were both doing the abusing. Are you not noticing that she is the one who came back and lied to him that she wanted to come home? That she was even having intimate relations with him? I know that this is not how he wanted it to end. He had no control by the time it got to this point.
    The stabbing took place just before he went out to get his gun. She stabbed him multiple times. They both chose to end it with violence knowing there were other options.

  28. Becki Studer said,

    November 27, 2006 at 11:22 pm

    When this first happened, I felt the same way as others, but I have found out a lot of details, which have caused me to recall certain things, and that has changed my mind. I have had to rethink everything over the last few months. I have had to come to terms with all of this, and I love them equally. I should have whipped ’em both, but they were adults.
    I am talking about this because I need to talk about it. Others need to hear certain things that I was not privvy to when this first happened, and they are not easy to hear. I know how it feels. Yeah, I do.

  29. November 27, 2006 at 11:27 pm

    It seems to be pretty much a matter of perspective Becky. From what I am seeing, they separated, and then decided to go back together. Yes, they had intimate relations- that is what married couples do. And when she received more threats against her, she left again.
    Now I don’t know about you. But if it was me, and someone threatened me, and I left the scene- then that person showed up at my place of safety, I would feel pretty threatened again. And yes, if there was more violence, even minor violence, even a threat of violence, then I might resort to a knife to protect myself. I don’t know, as I wasn’t in the situation, but I can see the possibility.
    You mentioned you lost your brother. When I left this last, he had been taken to jail and charged with murder, but he was alive. Has that changed?

  30. Becki Studer said,

    November 27, 2006 at 11:49 pm

    No, my brother was killed by his wife during a domestic dispute. He is not the one who killed, but the one who was killed.
    As far as your comments about the perspective of Becki, I can see that you are trying to help Chandra and the others feel better, but lies won’t do that. You can only pad things so much, dear. Tanya went back there knowing that she was not going to stay. She was trying to take the oldest child from him. She and her mother had made a deal with Buster that he could have him for a few days. He called me and asked that I come and help take care of him and the child because there was no one. He wanted help, she did not. She came and went often. He accepted her back often. It was an ongoing thing. Of course, you are going to get my perspective. I am Becki. I know that there are other perspectives, but I can only write mine. Do you read everything here because you seem to have missed quite a few things that I know I have written?
    I am looking at it from all angles, and right now, the angle I am looking at is that life goes on and people learn from their mistakes. The woman who shot my brother in front of his children never did a day in jail. The courts called it battered wife syndrome, but I know that they were both abusive. There were 5 depositions given to her threats of killing him. The judge stated it was not good that the children should lose both parents when it was an obviously violent household. What is it? Do you think that women should be allowed to do whatever they want and get away with it? I see my niece and nephew now, and I see that the judge was right in that instance. They are happy, healthy adults who remember their father in a fond light. Everyone makes mistakes and that includes people who die making them.

  31. November 28, 2006 at 12:26 am

    No Becki, I don’t believe that women should be able to abuse, or to murder. And I don’t know what happened in your brother’s case, and to be honest I don’t know all the events that led up to this case.

    But I can only tell you what I see. I see a woman who did try to escape, by calling for help. And when that help was denied, she left on her own. And she was followed to the place where she retreated to. And while I don’t believe that anyone is excused in committing murder, I do believe in self defense and defense of another. In other words, when your life is at risk, you may have to fight back in order to live.
    I am accepting your statement that Tonya used a knife on him. And I am accepting your statement that he then left the house. But he then returned to the house. With a deadly weapon. As he had already left the home, that isn’t self defense.

    Your statement is that she was trying to keep him from getting custody. However, it sounds as if the same reasons that would have been used to take the child from her, would also have applied to him. And Tonya would have also had the defense in court that according to your words, he was ‘brain damaged’ and had to have someone to ‘make his decisions for him’. Also, as a ‘brain damaged’ person, he was known for carrying a weapon according to your statement. Those things would most likely have ruled him out for custody.
    I can agree with you that if drugs were involved, that most likely contributed to the dangerousness of the situation. It did put everyone, even extended family members at more risk. And likely contributed to the escalating tensions, poor decision making and other dysfunctions. But it still doesn’t excuse two murders.

  32. Becki Studer said,

    November 28, 2006 at 2:26 am

    I am not giving excuses; they are reasons. There is a history leading up to this. Neither one of those kids were in a position to be a responsible parent. That is why I agreed to go in and help. Like I said, he asked for help, but she did not. I loved them, but that doesn’t mean that they loved me or appreciated the help we tried to give to them. They were not all bad. They just got in way over their heads.
    My main beef is with the system. I called the police and child protective services while I was in there. No one responded to my pleas for help either. If you are going to be that critical of Buster, you should try to direct some of that criticism toward the authorities who have the greater responsibility. I wrote about that on the other site and no one could argue with it. I went in when Buster called me and tried to get help, but the people denied me, also. How much I wish I would have gone and got right in their faces to let them know that they should have done much more. Go read what I wrote at that other site because it is the truth. Our system sucks in a lot of ways.
    I started writing because people need to be made aware of the problems so that they can be corrected. That is the only hope we have to help prevent more of this in the future. This is not what I would choose to be doing, but I know that the Lord gives us things to do. If you don’t do what you are supposed to do then they continue to happen in your life. I’ve lost a brother because of a little blonde woman who had a drug problem. My husband got into trouble because of a little blonde woman with a drug problem and now my daughter-in-law is dead, blonde with a drug problem. Think He is trying to motivate me? We are here to learn. Drugs are a major problem in our society and just feeds domestic violence til it is fat. I cry out to others to get off of their high horses and look at what is going on around us. Drugs are done in the home, as you have stated. You will find a strong connection between the domestic violence leading to such tragedies as this and substance abuse. Something has to be done about that and our system is a key player in combatting it. They couldn’t even answer the calls going to them from all of us. Their answer was to ignore it and expect us to deal with it on our own. That is wrong and they need to be held accountable for their participation in this. I do this out of love. It is hard to give tough love, but the alternative, as you can see, is so much worse. Do you think people care? Do you think people will listen as I cry out with insight to this demon? I don’t enjoy this. I hate it. I cry about it, but I will not stop no matter how many people come at me and tell me I am wrong because I know that I am right. I have learned that through experiences.

  33. November 28, 2006 at 4:50 am

    While I don’t agree that the system is at fault for this, I won’t deny that they may have contributed. While I may not know of any previous contacts that family had with authority figures I do believe it. And it is well documented how Tonya reached out asking for help that last day, and did not receive it.
    Also, I think you and I can agree on the fact that drug usage or alcohol abuse will often cause problems to escalate, will prevent them from being resolved in a rational matter, and will sometimes provoke problems. However, I feel that substance abuse, while a contributing factor, is not the cause….more often it is one of the symptoms. Drug and alcohol abuse is often attempted as an escape from problems, an escape that doesn’t work as it only compounds the problems.

    As far as blondes go though, I think that may be a personal prejudice. I have known some extremely smart, tough, moral, and caring blondes. And some pretty uncaring, dumb and easy brunettes.

  34. Becki Studer said,

    November 28, 2006 at 1:52 pm

    There again, I am not prejudice against blondes. I am simply pointing out the similarity between the experiences in my life. My best friend is a little blonde.
    Why do you have this site? Is it not to help get many perspectives to the problems we face? Your criticism of my perspective is prejudice. I hope you learn from this site because I can see that you are trying to wear pants that you don’t fit into. Now, I am done.

  35. T.R.S said,

    December 12, 2006 at 11:11 pm

    I dont understand where “some people” are coming up with these so callede facts on busters and tonyas relationship.

    First of all I did not really live there! I would spend a lot of time over there but not live!

    second tonya did dabble in a pill or two but where do you think she got them ??? Tonya despised the hard drugs that were present in the home. That was part of why she left.
    Also care giver? whatever, she never got a dime for what she did for gary! Maybe there was money coming in for that service but who do you think had “CONTROL” of all money in that family. IT wasnt tonya.

    Like you stated prior to this you were gone for whatever amount of time. I hardly ever saw you around. I did party with gary but before tonya ever left him I ended gary and I”s friendship over his abuse of drugs and his family. There are alot of personel bashes I could put up in front of the whole world also but thats not very appropriete is it???

    I do believe becki tried very very hard to help gary, I tried before our falling out. His family tried to help him on many different times.
    But as I stated before you can not help a person that wont except it.

    Lastly I dont want an on going you did this and she did that thing here, I am clean,I do attend church, And I am a good single father to my son! So if anybody has an oppinion about me, or how I tried to help the friend that I lost so be it. Just remember everybody has one!!!

    GOD bless you Tonya and Vicki !
    also all the families that lost a member

  36. Cindy West said,

    January 7, 2007 at 12:30 am

    Kelly asked me to forward this on to you.

  37. LeAnne Burgess said,

    May 4, 2007 at 4:21 pm

    It’s been a year since Tonya Studer and Vicki Dewey died. I didn’t know either of them, but Tonya’s voice on that first 911 called pierced my heart. It was an echo of the words I’d heard my husband say so many times over the 13 years we were married. “If you leave, I’ll kill you.” I followed this case through all the newspapers, the newscasts and even scheduled my vacation to attend the trial (before it was rescheduled to November and I couldn’t go). Gary Studer is locked up, Tanya Studer and Vicki Dewey are still gone, and my heart still aches for all of you. I haven’t forgotten, but more importantly Tanya’s story compelled me to speak out, and write about my own experiences with domestic violence. My story started over 30 years ago, and like I said, hearing Tanya’s words reminded me of the fear that crawled through my bones every time I thought about leaving. We, who have heard those words, and lived to tell it, owe it to the ones who have been lost, to speak out and stand up, for the ones who will never be able to. Please know that as your hearts grieve for the loss of your loved one, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  38. J.N. said,

    February 1, 2008 at 7:43 am

    Good God.Becki,Tommy,Chandra & Amanda posting to a blog.Tonya and Gary were drug users prior to their relationship.Their union was volatile from the start.Marred by violence and spiraling drug abuse.While Gary was a vastly different person after the accident,I was always struck by what hadn’t changed.He was arrogant,controlling,verbally abusive and quick tempered.Before and after.The insinuation that she had somehow pushed him too far is asinine and frighteningly dispassionate.Commiting murder is not a grey area.It’s not acceptable.Regardless of Tonyas character.He is frequently referenced as having the reason/cabilities/capacities of a twelve year old.But not the culpability.He drove to Lakeside with the express intent of murder and and to take his children ‘back’.He had his misguided,(“crime of passion,crime of passion”),defense prepared.I believe Becki and Tom’s feeling of guilt are justified.He told Becki what his intentions were while en route.She did not call the police.Tom’s antics at the trial were appalling.His attempted cleverness was grossly inappropriate.He bears the burden of having been her mode of escape.I do not suggest that they’re at fault or ‘deserve’ to feel bad.Their grief is palpable and I do not mock it.But in these situations the grief,guilt and loss are often inseperable.I hope it doesn’t impair their lives,but I feel it’s gutless to gloss over it.It’s a very personnal burden to bear.I hope they rise to the challenge.Garys denied having memory of the incident,(such a poor word for it).But quickly remembered as soon as the trial ended and gave a graphic account to Laporte,Indiana’s Herald-Argus newspaper.Apparently,the instinct to lie and cover up in fear of the consequences wasn’t one of his diminished capacities.

  39. Becki Studer said,

    February 22, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    There is an old saying that goes something like this, “Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” J.N., you have proven that you are a fool, as far as I am concerned. What makes you think that I am dealing with guilt? Do you think that you should have pointed to the police in Indiana and Michigan who had spoken with Tonya just before this happened? They certainly had more time to react than I did. It has been proven by the timeline that there is no way that I could have contacted someone in time for it to make a difference. You should really study the facts before you try to give an educated opinion. I do not carry guilt for many reasons. Vicki and Tonya lived life like it is a football game, meaning that they were always on the offensive requireing others to be on the defensive. Also, I had contacted various entities in both states in the weeks prior to this incident. Police, Child Protective Services and others denied my pleas for help. No, you are way off base with vain, ignorant comments that are meant only to hurt. As far as gray area, my brother was shot by his wife in front of my mother, other brother and his own two kids and the woman never did a day in jail, so society has established that there is gray area, not me. People get away with killing someone all the time for different reasons. Take that man that Judge LaSata convicted for manslaughter just recently. One of the reasons the judge sited for manslaughter as opposed to murder was because alcohol was involved. Hmmmm-it was okay with this judge that a man who went to ask about a job was angry that the other man was not telling him enough about it, so he beat him with a baseball bat. That was okay, right? Whatever. I think you have proven yourself to be someone trying to impose wisdom when you don’t even have knowledge of the facts.

  40. February 22, 2008 at 9:06 pm

    Becki, first of all no name calling on other posters who comment. Any further name calling will be deleted regardless of the rest of the content. The only reason I am leaving this one is because I wanted to respond to it.

    I have let a lot of things go by in this thread partly because everyone seems to be to able to handle themselves and partly because as the thread progressed it illustrated just how domestic violence in the family does affect the whole family (or both families.) Everyone seems to have seen where this was headed, and most tried in their own ways to have stopped it. You may not have been able to agree on “how” to stop it, but it is apparent that both sides tried. But both Gary and Tonya were adults and both had to be the ones making their own decisions. Reaching out to the various agencies failed.

    It has been almost two years since the death of Tonya and Vickie. And a year since the trial. Yet it is pretty evident that the feelings here are still pretty raw. I would guess that by now everyone has pretty much accepted that Tonya and Vickie are dead and that Gary is in prison and will remain there. I would also have to guess that what is remaining is a lot of the issues that developed during the time that they were alive and the violence was happening. Anger begets more anger. And the reverberations from that anger and destruction can go on for years. Allowing that anger to continue isn’t helpful and if not kept in check it will eventually destroy again. There has been enough destruction.

    Becki, not saying you do or should feel any guilt. But I know in these situations many family members do. Not because they deserve guilt, but because they saw where it was headed, they wanted so badly to stop what happened and couldn’t. Guilt is a feeling and feelings are based on emotion, not facts. So don’t dismiss someone having feelings of guilt just because they aren’t deserved.

  41. Becki Studer said,

    February 22, 2008 at 9:28 pm

    Too bad you could not have posted a response to J.N. for such a rude and hurtful comment. You had to wait for me to say something in response to it before you felt the need to say anything. Your lack of response to J.N’s comment compared to your rapid response to my return comment 21 days later says it all!

  42. February 23, 2008 at 1:26 am

    Becki, I am trying to be fair to you as well as to others. But name calling is something I won’t tolerate. He/she stated a personal opinion as to the violent death of two people. He/she did not call other persons who commented names.

    Yes, what he/she said may have been hurtful to you. But the death of Tonya and Vickie was hurtful to many others. His/her opinion of the events may differ from yours, but he/she is entitled to them nevertheless.

  43. Becki Studer said,

    February 25, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    “I believe Becki and … feeling of guilt are justified.” That is what my response was in reference to, and, if you were being fair to all, you would have noticed that I was defending myself, not Gary or anyone else. You may think that you have been fair, but I am the one you have answered with that personal sense of your need to put me in my place. Go ahead and reread this entire thread, and you will be able to see that if you can be honest with yourself. You have done what all others have done. You have let your biased opinion get in the way of being fair-minded, because there is much more to what has happened than my stepson’s actions. Without knowing all of the facts, ignorant comments are made, and they become very offensive to those of us who do know the truth.Text book answers don’t cut it when you are trying to be fair. But, it is your blog, and you can do as you like. I think I will start my own blog. If you all can do what you do, then I suppose that I can do the same in my own space to let people know what Becki Studer knows.

  44. Becki Studer said,

    February 25, 2008 at 8:31 pm

    I just took a second look at this blog. You did remove some of the things I wrote. See, you all want what you want to be known. You don’t want truth. That is how nothing ever gets fixed. My Gramps used to tell me that if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Sure you are.

  45. danielle noga said,

    May 19, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    that is my aunt tonya is my aunty i miss her gary was always messing with here a month after she finally fell in love with him he started tripping n the kids mainly there 1st son was always the reason on garys point of view he beated the oldest boy cuz he said the reason y my aunty tonya always argued back and forth was because of himn he was only a little kid my mom saved my aunty tonya from man attempts of death from gary to tonya and the kids but were wernt there that time i wish we were cuz i really miss my aunty i love here tonya you will never be forgottin i will always love u n never let u go u kno i loved u and that lil white car u had haha n my mess lil cusin i love u guys im finna find my cusin i want to see them bye internet to hard to talk about it i cant deal with the loss of my favorite aunty

  46. danielle noga said,

    May 19, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    becki studer get a old of my this is lisa noga’s daughter call me at 12695198250

  47. Becki Studer said,

    June 14, 2010 at 6:55 pm


    I can tell by your comments that you are probably a child. I will not call you for that fact alone. However, if you are an adult, I still will not call you. I will tell you here that I miss Tonya and Buster, too.

    Everyone has to accept what has happened. Drug abuse changes people in ways that most of us can’t understand. They both turned into people I did not recognize.

    I have come to terms with what has happened. I am positive that the boys are in a loving, caring home. They deserve to grow up as happy little boys. Their future is all that matters now, as there is nothing any of us can do about the past.

    I pray that you are able to deal with the confusion you obviously still feel. As a counselor, I advise you to seek professional help. Your exhibition here of such strong emotions, after so much time has passed, leads me to believe that this is festering in your mind, and it will only hurt you, if you allow it to continue.

    God Bless

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